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Little Kernel


All creatures great and small.



PG-13 Rating Hobos, Fast food, Guilt Entertainment Value: Three Popcorn Pieces
Sequel ExperienceAs Lucy** walked home, her cell phone dropped from her bag. She retraced her steps and tried calling it to no avail. Finally, her friend Ernie** got a phone call at 6 a.m. from Lucy's cell, with copious heavy breathing. Ernie received another call. "I've never used a phone before! I'm jus' hangin' out at Carl's Jr.!" yelled the deranged voice on the other end. Ernie headed out in search of a vagrant with the phone and bribed the phone back. He called Lucy: "Good news is I have your phone. Bad news is it's been in the hands of a bum all night." Also good news was that the bum only made one call and sent one text message. Bad news was the bum called Dan**, whom Lucy hadn't spoken with since his breakup with Jan** over her infidelity the year before. The bum gave Dan over 3 minutes of heavy breathing in Lucy's name, and forwarded him a misdirected text message reading, "I blame you!"



Blogger Matt Heller said...

How close was Lucy with Dan and Jan? I hope she doesn't have problems with bumps as well as bums. In any case, that Ernie is a true friend. If my life ever gets fictionalized, I hope I get a nice name like Ernie, rather than Biff, who I'm pretty sure masterminded this whole situation.

9:40 AM  
Blogger little kernel said...

matt heller: Lucy was Jan's ex-roommate, so thankfully had no exposure to the bumps. Ernie really is a good friend, to go wrestle a cell phone from a bum at dawn. Biff certainly has the evil genes to mastermind it all, but I'm not sure he has the smarts. ;)

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's interesting how times have changed. It used to be that a proper lady, walking the street, would drop her handkerchief so that the man of her desires would pick it up and present it to her, perhaps beginning a relationship. Thereafter, a "street walker" might drop her drawers for a man of her financial desires. Now, we are presented with a new kind of bag lady, not the usual homeless woman who carries her possessions in shopping bags, but rather a proper lady who drops her cell phone from her bag apparently for the purpose of attracting a homeless man.
What is this world coming to???

12:50 PM  
Blogger little kernel said...

anonymous: Interesting perspective! Perhaps Lucy was looking for a meet cute with the hobo? However, considering she tossed her cell phone carrying case because it smelled like "cigarettes and bum stink," maybe she was less than enamored!

1:00 PM  
Anonymous stefan said...

Gosh, I wish a friendly bum found my cell phone when I lost it. You know, a little turpentine can go a long way to getting rid of the used bum smell.

1:41 PM  
Blogger little kernel said...

stefan: Ernie had to distract the bum with $20 and then grab the phone fast. Try that technique next time. As for the turpentine, not so sure it's friendly to a leather case, but thanks for the home remedy!

1:50 PM  
Anonymous baltiking said...

The bum hangs around Carl's Jr and has never seen a phone? Don't most Carls Jrs have payphones out front?

2:38 PM  
Blogger little kernel said...

baltiking: Very sharp mind, there! Actually, I'm guessing he'd never used a cell phone before, but perhaps was familiar with the payphone outside Carl's Jr.!

4:08 PM  
Blogger Matt in LA said...

So did Lucy spray the phone with Lysol as soon as she got it back? Did Ernie get a Six Dollar Guacamole Bacon Burger or the Western Bacon Cheeseburger? What exactly did he use to bribe the bum? Was there gasping along with the heavy breathing? Inquiring minds need to know!!!

10:28 PM  
Blogger Matt Heller said...

There's a great David Sedaris article on this subject - it may not answer any of Matt in LA's questions, but after you read it you'll never put on a pair of secondhand pants the same way again!

5:36 AM  
Blogger little kernel said...

matt in la: Lucy did indeed sterilize her phone. Ernie didn't stop to eat at Carl's Jr., after using a $20 bill to bribe the bum (who promptly went across the street to a liquor store for a spending spree). No gasping, but mumbling and lots of random key pressing along with the heavy breathing. Thanks for your questions!

matt heller: A good case for washing and sterilizing anything second-hand, or bum-related! Thanks for the link--I saw David Sedaris in SF a few years back and he was hilarious!

2:16 PM  

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Strange but true stories of events and exchanges with ordinary people. While stage names are used, these events were actually witnessed.